Last Day!

Today is the last day of my vacation. I did not get everything done that I had hoped to get done, these past ten days.
I did accomplish a few things.

First, I rested! I did not worry once about what time it is, where I need to be, what I need to do, or what is going on.

Second, I watched TV. Sounds silly, but I don't usually have time to do that. By the time, my day winds down, I am too tired to watch TV.

Third, I spent quality time with Christian. Between my work schedule and home life, I have not had time to just enjoy the little guy! Care for him, yes! But not just sit and enjoy his sweet company!

Fourth, I spent quality time with my husband. Our work schedules are such that we have just seen each other in passing lately. It was so nice to get to spend the whole day with him on Saturday. Just being together, running errands and TALKING.

Fifth, I have read two books! It has been ages since I was able to finish one book. I have actually read two in just a few days.

Sixth, I painted Aaron's room. Three coats of paint on the walls and four coats on the door frames and window sills and I finally got all of the "baby poop tan" covered completely up. Today, I will put the furniture in there and rehang the curtains. After a few finishing touches, hanging pictures and making the bed, Aaron's room will be ready and waiting for him when he comes home!

Last, but the best of all, I spent time with my Lord. I have spent time in prayer, I have spent time healing from all the recent hurts in my life. I have spent time being thankful for the wondrous gifts and blessings. I have spent time praising the One who delivers me. I have spent time accepting that I do not really control anything and that things that happen are not MY FAULT. I have spent time just living in the Spirit and loving my life!

All in all, I think it has been a very productive vacation and I am ready to return to life with a renewed sense of self-worth and a lift in my spirit and a song in my heart.

Sometimes, vacations do not have to be grand and exciting. You don't have to go anywhere, you don't have to take memorable photos of historical monuments and natural wonders. Sometimes on vacation, you just need to slow down and let yourself breath.

I am refreshed!

Big Day Tuesday!

Tish and I took Christian to his pediatrician yesterday for his 2 month check-up and the first of his immunizations.
He now weighs 12.2 pounds and is 22 1/2 inches long. He is eating well and the doctor was pleased with his growth.
Our only concern is he still has his heart murmur. The doctor was not overly concerned about it but he does want Christian to see a specialist. So, they are making an appointment for him with a pediatric heart specialist and will call us with the date and time.
Otherwise he is in perfect health.
We changed his formula to sensitive and it has really helped with the spitting up issues. He sleeps more soundly and for longer periods of time.

He is such a sweet baby. He loves to be cuddled, of course. But he is happy to be put down so he can look around at his world. He is sleeping through the night and rarely cries. Mostly he cries when Mommy is messing with his little nose.

He got two injections yesterday and one oral medication. I gave him some Tylenol when we got home. I expected him to be fussy after his shots. But, no, not Christian. He was just as sweet as always.

What a joy he is to have in my home. Tish and I are closer all the time and Christian has three loving and indulgent adults to dote on him constantly. Tish doesn't seem to mind having us around to help out. She doesn't realize it but just having her and Christian here is a blessing to us.

Chase is leaving in a few weeks to go to Iraq. I pray for God to protect him and bring him home, safe and whole, to Tish and to his precious, little son. Tish is naturally worried about him and talks to me frequently about it. I pray for her also, I know, she will be able to make it through this time of separation with her love for Chase and her love for the child they created together to carry her through.

What a darlin'!

And I am on vacation this week!
I get to spend every day with this little angel.

Today, he sat on my lap, took his bottle (several of them), wet his diaper (numerous times), smiled for me (a lot), watched me wash dishes and cook dinner, while sitting in his bouncy seat, enjoyed the fresh Spring breeze, while sitting on the front porch, listening to the birds sing and napped a little.

We had a very busy day and now a tired little Christian has gone to bed for the night after one last bottle and snuggle with Grandma.

He is really developing quite a personality. He smiles a lot and fusses very little. He watches everything that goes on around him. He recognizes his Mommy's voice, his Grandpa's voice and Grandma's voice. When he hears one of us, he will turn his head toward the sound.

Everyday, he is getting bigger and more alert and sweeter. He will entertain himself for a good little while, watching the lights on his soother or watching the lights and shadows on the ceiling.
He likes Mocha and smiles when she tickles him by licking his toes.

Tomorrow, he goes to the doctor for his 2 month check-up and the first of his immunizations. I will update everyone on his growth progress. I personally think he is an exceptional baby and fully expect the doctor to tell us that he is smarter and cuter than the average baby.

One More Night!

Then, I get to take my vacation.
If everything goes according to plan, I will have 10 glorious days to spend at home!
I can get some things finished up.
Geri will be moving the rest of her belongings out, for her new life with Brian and "baby" who will be arriving sooner than she thinks.
She goes to the doctor tomorrow, so we should have a more definite idea about the due date of her little one.
Jerry is on Spring Break next week, we were going to try to go away for a few days, but the cost of gas and bills kinda put the brakes on that one. That's okay, I am just happy that we will be able to spend some time together.
Tish will be working, although I think they will be closed for Good Friday.
All in all, I will have 1o days to get my bedrooms re-arranged, everything put away and probably re-arranged a few other rooms as well. Spring Break/Spring Cleaning.
Aaron is expected to come home in April, he is going to drive down. He is planning to go through California on his way, to visit with one of his best friends. I am excited for him. He has never really been anywhere, it will be a great trip for him to drive from Washington State to Texas via California. I hope he takes his time and lots of pictures. I know there are so many things to be seen. I will have his room ready by the time he arrives home.

Just one more night. I don't have to go anywhere to enjoy my vacation, I love my home, I love my husband and family and going on a trip is not really relaxing to me. It is so much work to get ready, then there is getting the house ready before you leave, cleaning up when you get back home, and finally getting ready to go back to work. This way, I can lay around all I want to, watch TV, clean as I feel like it, I am soo... ready.

I'm a little sad!

I went to the grocery store this evening, to pick up some trash bags and a couple of things I needed for the house.
As I turned the corner at the back of the store, I spotted my granddaughter, dancing and twirling to the music she was making. Her dark hair flying around her sweet face. I watched her for just a moment and then turned away. I couldn't let her see me. I didn't know if it would cause a scene, so I moved on.
The last time I saw her she clung to me, hugging me and showing me every toy, Santa had brought her.
How could I explain to her that I am no longer welcome in her life? She would not understand, she only knows Grandma as someone who will play with her and listen to her chatter endlessly.
How do you explain to a four year old, why they can't see you anymore?
I am sure that her Daddy saw me there. I am also sure that he will deny it.
Maybe, he thought there would be a scene. I don't know!
It is just really a sad thing to have to pretend that I don't see.

I am not bitter, perhaps hurt, but not bitter.
I still pray for my oldest daughter and her family. Not only because that is what Christ instructed us to do. But because, that is what I truly want for them. I want them to be happy. I want them to prosper. I want them to have a beautiful life.

I have a lot of support and love from family and friends who, like me, do not understand this tradgedy. I certainly do not understand it and perhaps I never will.
In any case, when I arrived back home, I kissed Christian. I truly believe that God sent him to fill my empty arms and heal my broken heart. I melt when he smiles at me.

Tomorrow!

I start my new baby-sitting job!
Tish goes back to work, after 8 weeks of recuperating and learning to be a Mom.
She will be working Monday through Friday, 8 - 5.
That means, I get to babysit the cutest little baby in the world.
I am excited about spending so much quality time with Christian and excited about Tish being able to go back to work.
Luckily, My hours at work changed last week and I will be working nights from now on, I will be getting home in time for Tish to go to work. She will be home in time for me to take a nap before I have to go to work. It will work out perfectly.
Then, of course, there is Grandpa to help out once in a while if we need him.
No Daycare for Christian. No waking him early in the morning and dragging him out into the weather to drop him off with total strangers. No worry about making it off work to pick him up and drive home in rush hour traffic. No concerns about how to pay all the bills plus the sitter.
I think it is going to be great all the way around.
Christian gets to stay home and Tish gets to work worry-free knowing that he is with the one person who will treat him like their own.
Of course, this means no more overtime for me. That's okay, too. Jerry doesn't like me working that much anyway!
Anyway, it is all around a good plan!

Prioritizing!

I have decided to re-prioritize my life. In the "not so distant" past, my priority in life was the well-being and happiness of my four children and my grand-children.
I have learned that making their happpiness a priority has accomplished nothing but making me miserable.
They don't want to listen to the voice of reason or experience. Of course, they are all grown and follow their own dreams as they should. But should I, as sad as it makes me, feel that I should be a part of their reasoning.
One child has already made it perfectly clear to me that I am no longer a part of her life and should not expect to be any time in the future. I suffered dearly for that one. The others are sweet enough with their reponses to my ever increasing worry over their fates. But their reponses are mostly to quiet me and do not do much to ease my anxiety.
They are grown! all of them. They are perfectly capable of making informed adult decisions over the events in their life. I guess it is time for me to retire from being a coach and a confidant.
New Priority!
Me and Jerry! My home that has been neglected for the comfort of others! My hobbies, my passions, my dreams! I know it may sound somewhat selfish, but I think it is time to be selfish.
I have figured out that, no matter how much I want it, respect and love does not come with being a good Mom. At some point it will come when those that I sacrificed the most for, discover for themselves, what it means to sacrifice. When they figure out for themselves, just what their Dad and I have given up for them. When they make those same sacrfices.
Before any one of my four children gets the idea that this blog is directed toward you, it is!
But, it is directed toward all four of you! I love you all dearly with every thing that I have inside me capable of loving. All of you have managed in one way or another to let me know that you no longer require my love!
I am just a doddering old-fashioned woman who prays, a lot.
Someday, you will know what it feels like to be me.
I hope it doesn't hurt you as much as it hurts me and your Dad.

Today, I made a decision! I am cleaning my house. I am re-arranging my life. I am going to do more for myself, and living my life more completely.

I will be here for any of you who feel that you want to talk, but I will no longer offer advice that falls on deaf ears.

I love you all and pray that God keeps His hand on you and keeps you all safe and happy in your lives. I pray for you to prosper in everything that you do. I pray that you find peace and joy in your lives and that you never suffer a moment of regret for things that might have been.
I pray for all of this and more for each and every one of you and for my grandchildren, those I love and those I will never meet. I hold no regrets in my life, I have completed my duties as a Mom, I raised my family right. Now you are all on your own. Just try to remember, your Dad and I love you.